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Saturday, April 4, 2026

Carrying On

So in my 5th year of begging God for a plain old normal year: we got thru the holidays. Don't remember much. When my sister went for her next after lung cancer scan they found all the lymph nodes in her chest were enlarged and inflamed and she has lymphoma again. It's very aggressive. She is still smoking and turned down physical therapy so she is in terrible shape and not strong enough to bear treatment well. They gave her a choice. She chose to give up. 1 to 3 months. She'll be going into palliative care with hospice. Our oldest sister is blind and bedridden and will have to go into a nursing home. I'm going to be left with a financial shit show to deal with because my sister couldn't manage her own affairs so now I have to clean up the mess. I have no idea what I'm doing. I've told her I'm not capable of this right now and she pretty much has been ignoring me and soldiering on with whatever the half assed cockamamie process she thinks is gonna happen with her affairs. She keeps telling me it wont be that complcated.Which as far as I can tell is absolute nonsense. It's waaaay complicated. My husband is ill and has to start biologic infusions and hes terrified of that and needs alot of support andcreassurance. Me? I've been having chest pains for a week. She might outlive me. At the moment that seems easier. I don't really mean that of course. Sorta. I also love my sister. Really. I promise.

It really is hard having six parents. Soon it will be just me, the youngest, and the oldest sibling. How does that even happen. 15 years apart. The middle 3 gone. This shit sucks.

Ms. G.

Saturday, November 29, 2025

And Then

And then. My sister was treated for her lung cancer with radiation. She went for her 3 month check in October and it was gone. Yay! We all exclaimed! And then. A couple weeks later my brother went to the ER with trouble breathing and he had a blood clot in his lung. They found it on a scan. They also found his metastasized lung cancer that had spread to his throat, liver and hip. And he died eleven days later on November 6th. He turned 69 in August. He's been having really bad hip pain. They thought it was his bones.

Wtf it's not even July.

At least I got to see and speak to this brother in hospice before he died. He was there all of 24 hours. He couldn't talk back. His eyes were glazed. I think he heard me. He raised his eyebrows. He used to love to sing. He had a beautiful voice.

I quit this year. I possibly quit this decade.

I don't feel like decorating for Christmas. I don't feel like anything really.

I also turned 60

So that's how this year has been continuing.

Sunday, June 15, 2025

So How's Your Year Going So Far Ms. G?

Well let's see:

My husband developed ulcerative colitis last December. We are having a little trouble getting it under control but recently there has been improvement. It is awful and miserable and I feel really bad for him. He is super healthy, eats beautifully, exercises, rides his bike several days a week. So weird. I eat like a garbage disposal and have never had a problem so far. Being a man he is obviously gonna die and it's my job to remind him he's not gonna die. He is not gonna die.

My sister has lung cancer. She didn't even bother to quit smoking after she had lymphoma in 2023 and still hasn't stopped after this diagnosis. She doesn't have a husband or kids and she expects me to take care of her again. She lives an hour and a half away. Except for occasions when she has to be put under for tests, I'm not gonna.

She lives with my other sister who is blind and confined to a hospital bed. Recently her daughter went to her dads nursing home and got him to sign over the POA and then proceeded to stop paying the mortgage bill on the house my sisters live in. Nice huh? We called DCF. I hope they burn that bitch.

My best friend finally escaped from the religious cult in North Carolina after 30 Years! Her sister let me know. She has a whole lot to recover from. I don't know if I will actually hear from her. It's been a long time. But even if I don't I'm really happy she got out of that place. I hope she doesn't get scared and her family can make a new start.

Recently a rabid coyote bit some people and my house was just on the radius of the look out circle and a strange cat bit me and I just completed my rabies shots. It was not as bad as the horror stories I've been hearing all my life but I do have a 25,000.00 dollar ER bill and that's pretty horrific. If I had known I might have risked the rabies. Some days having your brain turning into pudding and then dying doesn't sound so bad. (kidding of course) I'm not gonna die either.

My Littlest is 29 flipping years old. She's a real practical girl, so she used her GI bill from the Marines to go to college for Art. She graduated 2 weeks ago Summa Cum Laude with a BFA degree. She finally moved back here a week later, so after 10 years I can feel normal again. She is now working with my son in law and he is training her to be a plumber too. She went to one Jiu Jitsu class yesterday and got offered a side job as a kids instructor. (What she really wants to do when she grows up) Yes. I am so proud of that kid I can't express it! She has proven herself a Grounded in the end ; )

My Middest has turned into super crunchy suburban farmer mom and raises chickens and quail and grows the majority of their food and only eats "clean". She found out she has an autoimmune disorder which doesn't surprise me at all and has become an expert on being anti-inflammatory. She has adorable 2 and 4 year old very rambunctious boys and they are a handful and she is the busiest person I know and makes me tired. Those boys are precious. The youngest is a burgeoning daredevil. He hasn't broken anything yet but he has a dent in his forehead. The hospital said he was fine and he appears to be fine and it's been almost a year, so ok I guess. She is the real life twin of Lois from Malcolm in the Middle. She also thinks she's ready for another baby. She is insane. But I love her and she is endlessly kind and thoughtful and yes, I am so very proud of the very interesting woman she has become!

My Biggest is turning 38 next week! She still can't drive a car! But she has been homeschooling my granddaughter since first grade and she just progressed into 6th grade and my daughter is doing a bang up job teaching her. I am very impressed that she took that on. It's hard but she is dead set that she's not subjecting her to the school system and letting her be bullied like she was. She's a little weird but she's a terrific mom and I am hugely proud of how she turned out in the end. She's come a long way and we are endlessly blessed by that.

My grandaughter is eleven. She recently downloaded the Talking Heads. Nuff Said ; D

Monday, September 30, 2024

Death by M&M

So. I break the cardinal rule of good diet by snacking. After bedtime. Every night. Now granted bedtime is 7PM because it is not sleeptime but readtime for a few hours. I suffer from rotten imsomnia and have basically been nocturnal since I was a child. It's a struggle. The SeaMonkey (who can't surf anymore, by the way, because he had the big knee blowout a few years ago and now is more of a Bicycle Monkey) is an early to bed morning person. (To catch the best waves you know (before))

So he drifts off around nine and I have to be very still and quiet so I can keep the light on and not kicked out. Once I'm kicked out I'm up all night. So anyway. I read. And I snack.

Early on I have something salty. Usually Cheez Itz, sometimes pretzels. Then around 10 I want chocolate. Now I used to eat cookies. Chocolate chip cookies to be exact and I would clean out half a bag in the time it took for my body to say, "no more chocolate". A couple years ago I had an idea and it works great. I eat m&m's. One at a time. I let them melt slowly and then finish the shells off with tiny crunches. This way I can eat chocolate for an hour with minimum impact.

So a couple nights ago I was reading and melting my m&ms. I started to doze off, which doesn't happen often but when it does it's sudden. I didn't want to sleep. It was the first quiet time I had all day because I'm married and because I have a sister and because even though my 3 daughters are grown woman they still never shut up. So I needed that peace. My eyes snapped open and I thought, No! I want to read some more. Its only a quarter after 11. So I sat up and popped an m&m and preoceeded to read....until I snapped awake again. Because I couldn't breathe. And I thought, oh shit, now I did it. I started to get up and moved in an alarming enough manner to wake the princess and the pea next to me. "are you OK? Vigorously shake my head no. Asks me again. Shake my head. Asks me FOUR times while I keep pointing at myself and vigorously shaking my head. So he finally springs to action and proceeds to perform an approximation of the Heimlich maneuver that was really more grabbing me around the stomach and bouncing me up and down. Luckily, I did not die but I did pee myself a little. Then I finished my m&m.

Now he says I'm not allowed to eat m&m's in bed anymore. This is an outrage. It's an excellent diet plan. I say, he needs to learn a proper Heimlich for pete's sake. We've been arguing about it for 2 days. It was not my fault or the m&m's fault. It was the books fault. It was boring. I've read it before and it's okay and it was handy but mostly I was just bored. The book is to blame. That's my verdict. Even though I had to get up and sit on then floor next to the bed last night to eat my m&m's.

We've been married like 38 years, these things happen. Compromise. I think he's just trying to get me out of there so he can sleep. Or make me stop eating chocolate. Oh hell no.

M&M's Forever!

Sunday, March 3, 2024

How Bizarre

So I was thinking, I haven't updated that blog in awhile. When did I update it last? Maybe I should update it. So I looked and Oh My goodness, not since last July. So I signed in and then I noticed stats. And I was like, Oh yeah, stats. I used to look at those, hahaha wonder what it says now? And I looked. And. Who is looking at this blog? Really? That many? It's not even listed in search engines. Or it's not supposed to be. WTH. A few hundred views? That's hysterical. Or it's a lie. Anyway I had to do a ridiculous amount of editing on this because it's my PC and I've been using a tablet so long I expect something else to do all my capitalizing and spelling for me. I'm also typing it in the dark. Just for the thrills.

I stopped trying to read new books, almopst entirely around October I think and reread all myn favorite books. it was an excellent idea. Now I'm ready to take on new again since I proved to myself it wasn't me. Most books now are shit. Did find acouple good new ones though. This paragraph was typed in the dark and I'm not going to edit it. Bwahahahahahaahaha. The End

P.S. While I was gone my sister had lymphoma and I had to be her person cause she doesn't have other people and my youngest left her fiance of 8 years and moved home and my sisters chemo worked and she's better and my daughter moved out again after 5 months and did not go back to the asshole. That is all.

Wednesday, June 7, 2023

Nothing to See Here

Just keeping my account

Saturday, March 25, 2023

Iiiiiii

have another big ol' Grandson!

8lbs. 10 oz.

Not giant but certainly big.

He's perfect : )

Think my Middlest is starting a rugby team....

Also, I have 3 grandchildren....how the hell did that happen....?

Wednesday, September 14, 2022

Fall is Coming

At least what passes for fall around here. Yay! My Middlest is a terrific mama and is growing a new baby : ) Still very early but looking good so far. My giant grandson is is 16 months old and giant and walking and talking and learning and full of mischief and he's a delight. I just realized I've been using a tablet and phone so much for so long that I expect my PC to add an apostrophe and fix my words automatically. It does not. My granddaughter is going to be 9 in November. NINE. She is a sweet, thoughtful and funny little girl. And she is Half Grown already! How is this happening? Didn't I just walk away from this computer yesterday with a brand new granddaughter and my youngest child leaving home. My Biggest is homeschooling her. She's extremely strict at what she 's exposed to. Sooo ironic. My Biggest is in her 30's! What the hell is happening here. Good Lord. My Littlest has been gone almost 9 years. Just too weird. She was in New York this weekend for a concert. A band that she adored in middle school and still loves. It brought much of her life and the decisions she made full circle. It felt like a fate thing. It scared me. She got back to Virginia just fine. Pretty sure I have an ulcer.

I wanted to say something else but I forgot what it was.

Oh yeah. I miss my parents. Tomorrow is the anniversary of my moms death. I've always missed them both since I lost them but the older I get, instead of fading to wistful remembering, as grief normally does, the more intense it has become. I think it has something to do with the grand children. I wish they could know them. They would adore them, as I do. When my mother had Alzheimer's she was constantly searching for her mother. I kind of get it now. We never really grow up do we? We crave that comfort of unconditional love. I'm blessed my daughters still turn to me. They are still deeply intertwined in my life. They wear me out sometimes with neediness. But I know some people don't have that and I don't understand that at all. My girls don't either. We have a group text called The Kitchen and it is in constant communication. I love that.

Over the last year I went through a major depressive episode. I've always had depression and anxiety but these episodes of deep depression have occurred intermittently over the years. The one thing I can say about them is this, When they ask if I want to die the answer is No. I'm afraid I am going to die. I'm running out of time. I'll only be part of my grandchildren's lives for a short time. My mom lived to 80. She was healthier than me. I'm getting ready to turn 57. Running out of time. But we make the most of it right? Don't get bogged down in the fear. look for the joy in front of you now. I'm trying. They upped and added to my medications. Most of the time I feel kind of like the lyrics to Strawberry Fields Forever.

But, I think I'm gonna be Ok.

There goes my phone. It's Biggest. Gotta go be a Mom. Cause that's who I am : )

Wednesday, May 4, 2022

Random Thoughts

Opinion 1: I have carefully observed the moon. It's properties are obvious and I am certain it is made of green cheese.

Opinion 2: The moon does appear to made of green cheese. But it is actually a complicated structure. After research, polls and careful consideration, I have concluded the moon is actually a combination of blue cheese and yellow cheese. It appears green on presentation but is actually made up of several components that produce a green cheese.

Opinion 3: I love cheese. It's high in calcium. I am calcium deficient so it's extremely important to me and my health and my quality of life. It's also delicious and makes me happy. Everyone should eat cheese. It should be a dietary requirement for everyone.

Opinion 4: Cheese is unhealthy! It's high in cholesterol and contains dairy. I am lactose intolerant. Cheese is a danger to my physical health and just the thought of cheese is detrimental to my mental health . People cannot be trusted to not eat cheese regardless of the danger. Cheese should be abolished immediately!

Opinion 5: I am green cheese and therefore I should be the moon.

This is not related to any particular topic. Just an observation on all the topics. Bye.

Sunday, March 6, 2022

That Time Thing Again

My Summer Vacation is almost 12 years old now. He's been in a dog wheelchair for about a year and a half. It's not enough anymore. Giant breeds have back and hip and knee problems. My beautiful boy. My precious puppy. THE BEST DOG EVER. We have to say goodbye tomorrow.

My sweet Pfynwald. My Pfynny...

We can't put it off anymore. We waited as long as we could because we love him so. It's not fair to him now though. We know that......I don't really want to talk about it.

Thursday, August 26, 2021

.................................................

...........................................................................................................................................................................FUCK YOU JOE.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................."here I am Lord, send me".....................................................???????

FUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOU

Tuesday, May 4, 2021

I Have

a Giant Grandson! 9lbs. 14 oz. 23 Inches of precious beautiful baby : )

Friday, March 19, 2021

just keeping things active

I'm getting a grandson in a few weeks! : D : D!!!!!

...we don't know what to do with boys around here...

learning curve ball coming from my Middlest of course ; D

Thursday, September 17, 2020

Because This Makes Sense

Welcome to America. Where my local symphony is excited to announce they will resume concerts!

For Covid 19 safety protocol, all musicians will be required to wear a mask during performances, including the woodwind and brass sections.

Woodwind and brass musicians will cut a hole in their masks to allow them to blow air through the instrument.

That is all.

Wednesday, July 1, 2020

In Regards to Florida's Covid 19 Numbers

I've been seeing alot of twittering about FLORIDA STUPID PEOPLE and the rising numbers over the last 2 weeks, coming on the heels of a staggered reopening.

No one is listening but I have to get this off my chest.

I live in a small coastal town in North Florida. Our numbers doubled in the past week.

I went into my home at the end of the 1st week of March and did not emerge until the 2cd week of June. We shut our business down for 2 months. When my husband and other family members, friends and neighbors did venture out, they socially distanced, used santizers, and washed their hands. We wiped our groceries with lysol wipes, left mail and packages out in the sun and delayed bringing them in the house, then sprayed them with lysol. Clothes were changed on entering the house and deposited immediately in a washer, shoes were left out and also lysol sprayed. I couldn't have my kids over and couldn't hug or even see my grandaughter for 3 months.

We took every precaution available. When I finally emerged, still being careful, still distancing, mask wearing, santizing and scrubbing, and hit my local roads, what did I see?

I saw license plates.
I saw:
Delaware
Connecticut
New Jersey-4 separate so far
New York
Illinois
Washington State
Virginia
Georgia
North Carolina
South Carolina
Vermont
Kentucky
Texas
Kansas
Pennsylvania
Indiana
and more, those are just the ones that burned into my brain with fury,

and not just on the roads. Parked at my local grocery store. The people in my area including the nearby larger city did a great job trying to nip this in the bud and were succeeding.

I have 3 siblings in their 60's, all with health problems. They are afraid to leave their homes and I'm very worried for them. One of my sisters has COPD and lives in an apartment. The unit next to her is being used as an Air BNB and she's had a constant parade of out of out of state visitors for weeks now.

As of today there are 111 NON RESIDENT POSITIVE CASES in my county.

So my message to people around the country running their mouth about "Florida trying to kill everyone", my answer is this.

Fuck You.

Oh, and stay your ass at home in your own state too. Then maybe we can get on with moving forward here.

Copyright 2011-2020 All Rights Reserved By Ms. G.

Friday, August 30, 2019

I Don't Want to Live Here Anymore!

Saturday, July 28, 2018

I'm Still Alive

It's July of course and almost past. We are thankful for that. I feel like writing...but I also don't. I look around and think...people be crazy....me too, I know. It's a damn shame. I have stories to tell. They never stop here. I don't know who I want to share them with though. I think, I could go out and do the work to build new community...but this world is so polarized now it seems few can see anything except through the lens of their own ideology. Everything is dimmed at anyone who isn't squarely standing within the same precise shade of shade. And any subject beyond that is irrelevant if you aren't within the correct parameters of each persons personal perceptions.

Humans are idiots. We are all easily manipulated. What takes strength is standing on your own two feet. Alone if necessary.

This isn't even what I wanted to write about. I'm feeling poetry. But it isn't coming. I have a funny, smart, terrific 4 1/2 year old granddaughter. (How did that happen?) My daughters are still a hoot.

If you look back at my blogs would you understand these things.

Biggest had bowl full of coconut. The Grandgrounded has steadfastly refused to try anything her mom says has coconut in it.

Grandgrounded: What is that?
Biggest: It's candy.
Grandgrounded: Can I have some?
Biggest: I don't know...it's my very special candy.
GG: Pleeeaaaaassse
Big: Well...okay....I guess it's alright. I'll share with you.
\GG: Thank you! Proceeds to eat handfuls of coconut.

What a mama! I'm so proud of her.

And Middlest you say? Who you worried and fretted about ever growing up and making her way? The one who seemed like she'd be forever blowing bubbles and floating on clouds in fantasy land?

Well. She'd getting married in December. For Reals! To a very responsible, well educated, professional young man of impeccable moral character. They are closing on a house next week. They are involved in their church. And. She's An Insurance Agent! I know, right? I can't make this shit up. And you know what else? I'm very proud of her.

And my Littlest. She's far away. But not too far to visit. And she'll be here Monday. She has a lovely home and a terrific guy in her life. And a bird. And a Corgi. She recently had a terrible and hurtful disappointment in her life that once again shows the depths of petty assholery humans are capable of.
It's probably a good thing she is far away. It kept the rest of us out of trouble. But that's okay. There are plenty of humans around here who know her heart and her goodness. She can go out on the porch and swing away the ugly like she has all her life. Then regroup and head back to her boy and her dog and they'll have to tide her over till she visits again. I know she's going to find the people, where she is, that can appreciate what a gift she is. I am truly proud of her.

As for me, I still only feel normal when all of my children are here. So I'm getting ready for ten days of normal. And then....I'll just disappear again into the mists of time.

Copyright 2011-2018 All Rights Reserved By Ms. G.

Thursday, December 21, 2017

Merry to Me

Spending the day with my four year old Granddaughter I find that over the years so many things change irrevocably, but still, some things never change. Apparently it's in the DNA.

Merry Christmas!

Courtesy of the GrandGrounded ; )

Monday, October 2, 2017

I asked nicely God....

All the pain. All the destruction. All the ugliness. All the loss in this world right now. And I pray.

So few things that keep me sane. I asked nicely in April 2016 God. But today I'm still here. Not a world I'm sure I want to be in anymore.

Dude. Don't leave me like that....

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